Wednesday, July 13, 2005

well sure, I forgive you (but I'll hate you forever)

I have a little problem with letting things go. Especially grudges. I love to secretly hate people. Well, S would say it's not really a secret when I bitch about them all the time, but what does he know? Certainly not the fact that I'm still mad at him for that thing he did in June of 2000.

How bad is my grudge-holding, you ask? Well, how's this for sick. I am still mad at my old friend Susan because she became a major twat over my hanging out with her best buddy Keith. Mind you, both Keith and Susan are dead now. Unfortunately, Keith killed himself in 2002, which I'm still angry over (with good reason) and Susan died in a car accident in 2003 (time to let that one go). I will find myself getting all worked up over something she said and then sheepishly remember that she's gone. I did have the chance to talk some of our problems out with her about a month prior to her passing, but the Keith issue was never touched. In some ways I'm sad about that, but in other's...well, I secretly enjoy holding onto that anger. It's a sickness I tell you.

What sucks about me being a major grudge-holder is that I am also cursed with a wickedly good memory. I can remember conversations verbatim from years ago. So, I can totally be (secretly) harboring ill-will for you over something you don't even remember saying. It's like I have a catalog in my brain for each person I meet. It comes in handy when having an actual argument with someone, because I can whip out facts and nonsense to make their head spin. Wait, I'm starting to see why I don't have any friends. I kid, I kid (I hope, I hope).

The reason for this post is this: I'm moving a few states away in a few weeks and I find myself trying to sabotage the few friendships I have here. Namely, my one good friend in particular. I find myself spending my time with her now remembering all the things she has said that have pissed me off. It's like it would be easier to leave on bad terms, than to make the promises of coming to visit and weekly phone calls. And I find myself looking back and seeing that this is the normal pattern for me. I've made clean breaks from my closest friends whenever I moved in the past. And when I look back on those friendships all I remember are the grudges I hold and a few fond memories, but not as many as one would expect.

Is this really healthy? No. Is it easier than fessing up to the pain of missing someone and admitting that your life is a little less full without them? Hell yes. So, see I am a little crazy. I am a little nutty. But, don't try to tell me because I'll just end up hating you later.

*I'm disabling comments on this one as it was more of a therapy session and I don't want any assvice. Not that most of you would dispense of said assvice, but you know...just in case.

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