Wednesday, March 22, 2006

you've got a friend in me

I'm so frustrated right now. I have all these ideas and thoughts floating around in that great expanse formerly known as my brain, yet I can't seem to get any of them down on paper, or in this case onto the computer screen.

I started this blog as a way to work on my writing. Not that I'm saying my writing is all that great, I know it pales when compared to others, but I have always enjoyed it as a past-time and as a way to vent my feelings. Now, I feel like a bottle of soda that's been shaken. Either my top is going to fly off and all of my contents will burst forth, making a complete mess, or the fizz will let up and I'll be left flat and tasting pretty gross...wait, I forgot I'm not actually a soda, scratch that last part.

It's not that I don't have the time to devote to this pleasure of mine. Time I have, it's the drive I'm lacking. As soon as I sit down at this old computer desk my mind wanders and I start clicking here and googling there, coming up with a million different excuses as to why I'm not writing. A favorite of mine is that people read this site now (hi all 5 of you!!!), but I keep a journal (written with real ink on real paper) and no one reads that, yet I don't write in it either. My last entry there was in November! A lot of this writer's block, if you will, stems from my lack of a life. You can't write if you don't have anything to write about, right?

So, I'm looking for a new hobby. I'm also looking for a few friends. I haven't mentioned it here yet, but since moving to Idaho I've learned what lonely is. I hang out with my sister and mother a lot. The sister is okay, but my mom? She has even mentioned that it's time for me to meet someone my own age. I have met a few other moms with kids, and we've done the phone number exchange, now I'm just waiting. Do I make the first call? Do I wait for them to call me?

Why, oh why, does this feel like dating? Seriously, I don't know how many times I've picked up the phone to call one of these woman, only to throw the phone down and back away shaking my head. I have an unnatural fear of rejection and play out many not-so-pretty scenarios in my head. You know, they laugh at me, or don't know who the heck I am, or flat out say I'm not cool enough to hang with them. Now, really the sensible side of me knows these things will probably not happen. But, there's that pessimistic side of me that thinks, Yes! They can and will! You are a loser, Christina, don't bother. Ugh.

I'm a pretty cool person, I think. I mean I get dressed in clothes that match, I shower regularly, and I brush my teeth twice a day. So, I should be able to make friends, right? God, I hope so.


Laina said...

Honey, you're cute, your kids are cute, and you're hilarious. People will love you if you give them the chance to get to know you. I do feel your pain though--I moved "home" so that we'd be close to family, but most of my friends from HS have moved away, and all my law school friends are back in Columbus, and they think that I live in BFE, which I guess I kind of do. So I spend a lot of time with family myself.

Christina said...

you must be in East BFE, because I'm living in the West BFE...LOL.

I'll make a friend, I know I will, but thanks for thinking I'm cute!

Linda said...

Christina, I love ya and I wish you lived here so we could get together!!

I say call them. Make the first move. They could be thinking the same as you and too afraid to call first.

Leah said...

I am right with you on the friends thing...only when I move out to Idaho this May, I'm losing my whole social network...(my Mom and my Sister!) And I'll have to start from scratch. I am dreading it...I agree, in the beginning, it feels more like dating than attemping a simple friendship!
Good Luck! At least you have phone numbers!!!