Talked to S tonight, he's sorry and so am I. It's strange how empowering standing upfor myself and the kids feels. I feel almost elated, like a huge rock has been lifted from my load. I told him he needs to fix himself, for himself not me, and then maybe we can work on us.
Honestly, I don't know if I even want to do that anymore. I also was afraid to be alone again. But, now that I'm here, it's not so bad. I try not to think too far downthe road though, otherwise I freak myself out.
I miss him, but not what he has become. Looking back, I can almost pinpoint when the trouble started. I was pregnant with Lexie. He started smoking pot and spending our money almost faster than he made it. When Lexie was about 4 months old, he got better. Then, bam I'm pregnant with Emmie and shit hits the fan again. There were bouts of the old S here and there, but the spiral had begun and just kept building momentum.
I lied to a lot of people back then. A lot of people and even myself. Everything was "fine" all the time. I didn't want anyone knowing, not even my online friends on the mommy boards. It was like I would have to admit I was a loser for staying with him if they knew. Even when I finally opened up to the online girls (my pseudo-friends, LOL) I kept so much back, afraid of the judging. Or maybe I was afraid they would tell me something I needed to hear, but didn't want to face. My real life friends could see more, but never enough to fully understand how bad it had gotten. I told them even less because it's easier to open up to a computer screen. It was like once the lies started, I couldn't stop them and everything was so "fine" that I had built a nice wall of fine around me.
S left me broke. Funny how just two days of binge drinking can drain on account. Luckily, I have a separate account, and it even had a few hundred in it. Imagine that. Just enough to get my power paid and put food on the table until payday. It's like I knew this was coming. Which I guess I did.
I feel weird not tiptoeing around, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because, hey! It did. And it wasn't as painful or devastating as I thought it would be when that shoe clattered to the ground. Must have been one of those fuzzy slippers you see on sale at the local WalMart. Those are pretty tacky and I think they only go with Muumuus, but I digress...ahem, where was I?
Oh yeah. So, I've been "single" for 48 hours now, and I feel fine.
Almost.
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the joys and pitfalls of motherhood.
1 comment:
I'm *so* proud of you for sticking to your guns. I know this is tough for you, but you are doing the right thing. You gave him chances to change. You told him how it was going to be if he didn't. He chose this and it sucks, but you will be OK. This will be for the best for you and for your girls. This is truly the best thing you could have done for the three of you! I can ramble on and on about it, but you know how I feel. And if you need to talk, send me and e-mail and I'll give you a call. I'm here for you...and you don't have to hide anything. Not anymore!
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