Whoa

So, I guess your life falling apart really makes you kick ass at the work place. Or is that just me? I'm seriously rocking the job scene right now and am loving it. My supervisor told me today that she appreciated that I could leave my life crap at the door. Hmmm, this is a first for me. I'm usually blubbering and sniffing to anyone near by. Yay me.

Things still going well. Though I have realized that if I don't do the dishes, they aren't magically done when I get home. Damn. Same with the laundry and the bathing of the kids and all the stuff you take for granted when there are two adults in the house. So, while I type away here on the good ole' internet, my house looks like a toy, dish, and clothes bomb went off in it.

But, I'm clean, the kids are clean and that should say a lot.

Almost

Talked to S tonight, he's sorry and so am I. It's strange how empowering standing upfor myself and the kids feels. I feel almost elated, like a huge rock has been lifted from my load. I told him he needs to fix himself, for himself not me, and then maybe we can work on us.

Honestly, I don't know if I even want to do that anymore. I also was afraid to be alone again. But, now that I'm here, it's not so bad. I try not to think too far downthe road though, otherwise I freak myself out.

I miss him, but not what he has become. Looking back, I can almost pinpoint when the trouble started. I was pregnant with Lexie. He started smoking pot and spending our money almost faster than he made it. When Lexie was about 4 months old, he got better. Then, bam I'm pregnant with Emmie and shit hits the fan again. There were bouts of the old S here and there, but the spiral had begun and just kept building momentum.

I lied to a lot of people back then. A lot of people and even myself. Everything was "fine" all the time. I didn't want anyone knowing, not even my online friends on the mommy boards. It was like I would have to admit I was a loser for staying with him if they knew. Even when I finally opened up to the online girls (my pseudo-friends, LOL) I kept so much back, afraid of the judging. Or maybe I was afraid they would tell me something I needed to hear, but didn't want to face. My real life friends could see more, but never enough to fully understand how bad it had gotten. I told them even less because it's easier to open up to a computer screen. It was like once the lies started, I couldn't stop them and everything was so "fine" that I had built a nice wall of fine around me.

S left me broke. Funny how just two days of binge drinking can drain on account. Luckily, I have a separate account, and it even had a few hundred in it. Imagine that. Just enough to get my power paid and put food on the table until payday. It's like I knew this was coming. Which I guess I did.

I feel weird not tiptoeing around, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because, hey! It did. And it wasn't as painful or devastating as I thought it would be when that shoe clattered to the ground. Must have been one of those fuzzy slippers you see on sale at the local WalMart. Those are pretty tacky and I think they only go with Muumuus, but I digress...ahem, where was I?

Oh yeah. So, I've been "single" for 48 hours now, and I feel fine.

Almost.

I'm not dead, but feeling that way just the same

My marriage is over.

Those are four words I never thought I'd be saying. The other five are I don't love you anymore. Strange that I've said them both repeatedly in the past 24 hours. Strange too is how I do still love him, but can't, and won't, love his behavior or personality.

He's drinking again. And for once, I'm sticking to my guns and going through with what I told him I would last time he drank. He's shocked, I'm sad. Being a grown up sucks.

The kids are fine and it will probably take them a few days to understand that daddy may not be coming back. For good this time.